trivia

and by that I mean things that seem so ridiculous and meaningless and trivial in the face of a dear friend's unbelievable pain. Her total heartbreak.

New Year's resolutions, continued. As much as I hate having my photo taken--for all the predictable reasons about how I don't like myself--I resolve to ask friends to take more photos of me and my girl together. I have many many photos of the beautiful Annabelle, but not very many of us together.

Things I think I'll never understand: how people go on living the day-to-day crap after experiencing the death of a child. How people find enough love in their hearts to try again. How people can say things like, "it's just a dog." How people are strong enough to have children in the first place. So so so much bravery.

Things I think I'm beginning to understand: my love for Annabelle keeps me alive in the face of all the day-to-day crap. She can be a royal pain in the ass at times, but god, I love her. I'll never have children because I'm just not strong enough. I love kids, I do. But I don't think I've got the constitution it takes to be responsible for a developing person's emotional health. And I want to celebrate that understanding. It's enough to know that I can't do it. Every time I see mothers yelling at their children in the store for the most ridiculous things, I thank my lucky stars that I have a choice about having children. This is what right-to-lifers will never understand. It takes so so so so much to raise children and we should be thankful that some people know enough not to have them. It's not just about promoting a culture of life, for chrissakes. It's about understanding how much you yourself have to give to another life. Admitting weakness. Believing that a decision not to do something is a contribution.

I'm moving pretty far afield here from the sorrow that instigated this post, I know. I cannot understand the pain Julia's experiencing on this warm, sunny April day. I love my dog with all my heart. She is my heart. But that doesn't mean I can fathom what my life would be if she were to be taken from me in two days. That's how long it took. Two fucking days. I can't believe it. I just can't. I wish it were rainy and grey.