on that little nagging voice in my head
Finished all the loose ends associated with grading yesterday. I am officially done for the summer and, with the exception of a diss proposal defense on Thursday, have a few weeks before I begin teaching my summer course. And those few weeks I should be using to a) rejuvenate; b) write; c) sleep in.
But here's the thing. Last night I was on the couch reading a memoir, S. was at the table studying for another insurance exam, the puppies had been walked and fed, and the Cubbies were coming on in an hour. All was well. Except every few pages or so, I'd stop reading because of this nagging voice in my head telling me that there was something I should be doing, some kind of work that needs to get done. It's a real bummer.
Because here's the other thing. I'm doing very well with my writing and my publications and my teaching, so we can't really say that it's tenure I'm worried about. I've got three articles in CE, one in JAC, a co-edited book, a chapter in another co-edited book, and much more in the works. My book--the real one this time, after many false starts--is coming along nicely.
I'm 35 years old. I've got a terrific job, a terrific partner, two terrific dogs, and I should be able to sit back and enjoy some of it without this nagging voice in my head telling me I'm not doing enough.
Like today, for instance. I took the day off and there's some guilt there. I want to just hang around the house and read, take the girls for a walk, drink my coffee, and chill. And wait for the Cubbies to come on at 7. Perhaps this is all a result of defining myself for so long by the work I do. When I'm finally able to relax about the work, I don't know who I am. So there's the nagging.
On Friday we're going up to Chicago for a Cubs game and we're staying overnight with S.'s cousins. Then on Sunday Jen & Michael & little miss Nola are stopping by on their way through to Houston. That'll be great and I'll be able to have fun because it's stuff I've been planning. But just having an entire day in front of me with no work to do. It's hard.
It's called living my life. I wish I had the confidence to just shut that little voice off and tell myself instead that what I'm doing is more than enough. I won't be on my deathbed wishing I'd written just one more article. Ugh.
Labels: guilt
posted by aerobil @ 9:09 AM
3 comments
3 Comments:
I had a big realization yesterday morning: that gap between the head and gut you're talking about--between what we understand to be rational and true, and what we *feel*--won't heal on its own. We have to act *as if* we believe our heads. I'm not saying disregard your instincts, which are excellent in so many ways. But in this respect, we know we're a bit off. And so, just tell that voice to shut up for a few minutes, and do something lazy. For me, I'm going to act as if I'm smart enough, and cute enough, and darn it people like me! Because my head knows it's true, even at those moments my gut hasn't caught up.
The Buddhists would call this practice. So would the Cubbies, I think. :)
Not to worry! It is just that ole biological imperative raising its ugly head again to make absolutely sure you okay with your decisions before you run out of time. If you’re happy, forget it. Just tell it to fuck off and leave you alone.
shoe
there's an essay i mean to someday write about this, & its title/key point hinges somewhere on our definitions, and ability to add to/change our definitions, of virtue & what is virtuous.
we're really good at believing academic work is virtuous. doing the laundry is virtuous, but less so than our "real" work. family time is virtuous on holidays; at other times it's slacking, unless someone is in need. "need" is varyingly defined and often in competition with work for virtue. coffee breaks are virtuous in a "take care of yourself" self-nurturing rhetoric sort of way, but they flat-out deny the virtue of work, and it's hard to believe both. reading books for school is virtuous for us; for most ppl, who don't do it for any reason, "pleasure-reading" is also virtuous.
for me, the trick to enjoying those off-days and turning the voice down ("off" isn't usually a real option) is stepping back to look at those different ways that the things i'm doing, although they aren't virtue-number-one, are still *good*--for me, for the people i care about, for the house, for the pets, for next semester's students who will learn more from me if i'm not a burnt-out raging disaster... if i can see them as acts of goodness and virtue, i don't feel that nagging sense that i should be doing something else, because i'm already doing a "should."
and that's probably wildly incoherent--it is every time i try to write it, which is why it's not an essay yet. someday, i *should* write the virtue essay. :)
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