how very little it takes to convince myself I have cancer
CAT scan today for continued pain in kidney area.
Wait to have CAT scan done. Wait.
Have CAT scan done and have the lab tech tell me to pull my pants back up. Don't worry, he says, I won't look at your goodies. FUCKING NICE.
Wait to have CAT scan read by radiologist. Wait. Wait. (Can you tell I've been reading James Frey's two books? I'm beginning to write like him. Write like him.)
Figure that nobody's telling me anything because they've all seen the huge tumor on my kidney and nobody wants to be the one to tell me. Think about whether I'll do chemo. Decide I probably won't but understand that I really can't know that until I've been told I'm going to die.
Wait. Wait. Wait.
Have lunch in the hospital cafeteria. Burger, fries, rice krispie treat. Health food.
Wait.
Finally, they tell me I can go over to my doctor's office where I wait just a few minutes for the nurse to put me into a room where I'll now wait for the doctor to come talk to me. About how long I have to live.
There's nothing on my kidneys. No stones. No tumor. He still thinks it's an infection, that my back muscles are sore from the infection.
Still waiting for him to tell me how long I have to live.
Take some Aleve. I'll give you a prescription for Vicadin but you probably won't need to fill it.
I guess I have to write that damn book after all.
posted by aerobil @ 12:04 PM
5 comments
5 Comments:
It *does* cause back pain, and that's really confusing and frustrating. You will feel better very very soon.
Save your Vicadin for ringing in the New Year!
FILL THAT SCRIP! We'll all come over and party with you.
...and I have to say, I lovelovelove the fact that you have the same if-I'm-dead-or-gravely-injured-i-won't-have -to-do-this-assignment/diss/whatever fantasties that I do.
goodies...oh jamal, whatever will we do with you...
I have ( on occassion) been known to whip up a frenzy here and there. Of course this chaos in my head is revealed to NOONE!(well, I might pick up the phone and ask Amy's opinion if she thinks he's dead or cheating on me) Like say for instance the time I imagined my husband wrapped up in a twisted metal box on the side of road as he traveled home fom Maine in a snowstorm.This frenzy has manifested with each falling flake. More concentrated as the minutes pass. Thought process as follows:
Funeral arrangements
Grief counseling
Financial arrangements
Life of sorrow
When he arrives home with a smile on his face because he's happy to see me, my face turns to a grimace because this changes everything. I guess we're still on for our plans to fix the pipes downstairs now. Great.
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