the current goings-on

Don't want to keep my three readers in the dark. Clara's been killing me. If she's not taken out tomorrow, I shall kill someone.

Here's something. I've been working for a while on an essay that primarily explores the effects of sibling abuse. Being a rhetorician and being obsessed with the study of effects more so than causes, I came to something of an insight while revising the last version of the essay. One of the effects of prolonged abuse is that, as an adult, I see suicide not as the taboo aberration that it's comfortable for most to see it as, but rather as an issue of control. If things get really really bad ever again, it's nice to know that I have choices. I know this isn't unique to me, but it was important for me to figure that out for myself. The other major effect I came to understand is related to the suicide point: I am not very willing to suffer anymore. Emotionally, physically, otherwisedly. The whole incident with Clara this week is one manifestation of this personality defect of mine. The damn thing HURTS like hell and if it ain't ectomized (there' s a word) tomorrow, I might, well, kill someone. Not willing to suffer. Been there. Done that. I'm not saying this is right or good or even in my own best interests, but such it is in the psyche of Amy. This makes me demanding, whiny, a big baby at times. But it could be worse: I could be demanding, whiny, a big baby at times without even realizing it. Self-awareness makes me just a bit less repulsive, or so I like to tell myself.